Nutz & Boltz, the Jack Russell twins, are legends among thems hindlegs puppies at Westley Piddle Kindergarten. Wotz more, some bad sniffing hindlegs is looking to ruin the most eagerly-awaited noshing opportunity for all thems decent fourlegs – cup’n’cake bake day. And Boltz ain’t gonna stand for it.
A particularly sniffy day in Westley Piddle, that often overlooked town on the Thameslick between Bisham and Cock Marsh. A sniffy wind whispers of colder times to come. Leaves are falling out the sky wot get raked onto garden bonfires or stuck on that huge pile in the corner of Herdwick pooping park. The very same spot all fourlegs love squirting on.
The sniff of burning leaves carries across town, waking fourlegs to another day and another noshfest –
Hoooyii, today’s the day
Bark off mate, cup’n’cake, init!
Poops park corss, yu muttwit
A particular sniffy windy day.
Morning bruv Nutz stretches four short pins.
Sez, good morning bruv
Ain’t good, and I ain’t yur bruv, bruv mutters Boltz not yet ready for any kind of morning, good or otherwise.
Nutz leaps up from his basket snifz that! OldSchool’s frying the Tesco Canadian honey-brushed bacon and he’s gone.
He flies down the carpet-covered, seventeen step stairway, lightly bouncing midway, nice four paw drift as he lands in the hallway below.
Yu coming or not, bruv? he scrabbles off speed and whizzes right into the kitchen, stopping beneath the hob. First in line for brekkers, as always.
Morning’s for chilling Boltz stretches out front paws not leaping abouts lyk a muttwit
Slowly, he stretches out back paws, stands up and stretches out the kinks from his back in a wobbly arch, snout scrunched in ecstasy.
On me way carefully trotting all seventeen carpet-covered steps, one at a time, lyk wot any normal fourlegs does.
“ello,mebunchalovlies” MisterAbbotpackmate, known by the intimates as OldSchool – coz he was head teacher at Herdwick Primary back in the day – scritches at the brothers, frying pan in one handpaw and Canadian honey-brushed in the other. Nutz and Boltz eyeball the extra-large pack of Tesco’s finest. Drooling at sniffy grease wanting to drip right off the plastic packaging.
“but,firstmelittlebeauties…” OldSchool kicks opens the garden door ‘havago,wontyers”
Nutz and Boltz stampede outside for some much needed squirting. Boltz squirts a long steaming one but Nutz considers a thin delicate poop a better way to embrace the day. And in the flower bed too, wotz expressly forbidden.
When d’yu nosh that? Boltz snifz at it suspiciously, kebab colours watering his snout holes.
“oi,youlot” OldSchool scritches from the kitchen “notintheflowers”
Were ’im OldSchool, wern’it? yaps Boltz, indignantly not me
A few minutes of deliciously sniffy frying action later, OldSchool is throwing down Canadian at each of thems.
“yors” and Boltz gets his burnt offering.
‘e burns it everytime Boltz complains.
“yors” and Nutz gets his burnt offering.
Right tasty Nutz smacks chops together.
“n’yors” Boltz goes for his second burnt offering but Nutz swipes it coz I don’t mind burnt noshing it down in one, snout up and waiting for his own second burnt offering.
Oi! Yu right gannet Boltz licks his chops, determined not to lose his third bit.
Brekkers is followed by some bouncing about action on the couch, sniffing that dumb flaplegs sitting in its cage stuck by the window, and totally blanking thems sniffless things swimming ‘round and ‘round in a glass bowl of waterlick stuck on top the telly.
”comeon,youstwos” the front door to the houseden is pulled open to the wonderful sniffy outdoors.
Nutz and Boltz make a sudden break for it, down the front garden path, snoutz squishing into the far gate. Gate is opened and the vastness of West Pid is suddenly theirs for the squirting.
First to squirt is a true champion of the breed barks Nutz racing straight to his favourite lamppost and giving it some leg.
Give it some! Boltz replies casually trotting towards his own fave marking spot, a greenhouse bin three doors down. His squirt steams in the morning air.
Nutz is right on it and sniffing Boltz squirt before he’s even finished. He can’t help himself topping it off with a small sprinkle of his own. The brothers trot off to confront an ugly-looking scratch perched on the bonnet of a parked growling round legs.
Git down off there, pagan Boltz challenges, bouncing up and down. Nutz shoots the other side of the roundlegs, determined to get at it first.
‘oi,Nutz,leaveit,younastymutt” OldSchool scritches.
And in more gentle scritching ‘’Boltz,leaveitalone,there’sagoodboy”
Wot? Yu started it, Boltz, but it’s me wot gets the ag!
Life init, get over it Boltz races away, spinning circles ‘round OldSchool, acting the favorite.
Classic butt licker, bruv, d’yu know wot I’m sayin‘? Nutz sighs, his little body vibrating all over.
Off to Herdwick pooping park they trot.
Duncan starts his day with a checklist of official police duties. First duty: squirt a long one in the designated corner hole of his cage.
Second duty: groom plum bobs, > under snout > behind earflaps > return to plum bobs. Third duty: snifz out nosh bowl. Fourth duty: wotz mandatory, instantly start bitching if nosh bowl is empty.
Where’s me nosh then? he starts bitching.
Duncan, a PD Dobermann in the Thames Valley Force, cannot be expected to fulfil official police duties without first being officially noshed. PC Andersen packleader, his partner in crime, is definitely wobbling about somewheres coz Duncan snifz him soon as he pulled into the growling roundlegs carpark.
Totally unacceptable he growls goes licks his own tea, noshes his own brekkers, and forgets me!
Wotz unacceptable is Shadow, the black German Shepherd in the next door cage shakes his earflaps how some foreign dog lyk yu gets accepted on the force in the first place. Oi, PC Smith? Where’s me brekkers?
A right scandal, telling yuz twos Jax, the black and tan Shepherd agrees – not sure wot he’s agreeing to: a Dobermann on the force or empty noshing bowls PC Patel, where’s me dog-damn breakfast?
PC Andersen packleader enters the pound holding a sack between his handpaws.
Me first, me first! cries Jax.
Shut it yer fluffy-eared winger Shadow barks over him me, over here, me, me, MEEEE!
PC Andersen enters Duncan’s cage first, filling his bowl with chicken and rice nibblets. Duncan snoutz him aside, eager to start his official police noshing.
Mouth loaded with nibblets when yu boys ever gonna learn – top dog goes first?
Lyk, poop before the shovel Shadow answers.
Aww, a shovel of nosh! Jax marvels.
Good news. Official police duties of the day means it’s community meet and greet. Even better news coz today is Duncan’s turn. All wotz required is a slow trotting up and down Westley Piddle, making sure specific lampposts are securely marked, suspect empty plastic bags are given hard eyeballs treatment, and as much nosh as possible is commandeered from those eateries up on the High Street. At least, that’s Duncan’s take on the duty.
The two German Shepherds lick their snouts in envy. Community meet and greet being the firm favourite with all the PDs.
“don’tforegetit’scup’n’cakedownatthepark?” Roger, the invisible scritching voice informs PC Andersen.
“Rogerthat” PC Andersen scritches back into his handpaw.
Duncan and PC Andersen are always doing wot Roger tells thems to do. Load of nonsense most of the time. But, today Roger is talking about cakes. Cakes is not nonsense, izit? Cakes is nosh!