Outside the PD compound wall.
Bark some common sense, Gunty PD Duncan munches from over the wall coz I’m right busy with some important police work
Ya, noshing
Correct. And we call that police noshing. Important police noshing
To repeat, what are we going to do about it?
About wotz?
About ze road works, corss
Nothink. Municiple road works, init? No laws broken informs Duncan.
Absolutely nothink PD Shadowcontributes.
Not one think! PD Jax adds, helpfully.
The sound of important police noshing is followed up by copious amounts of important police slurping. Gunther sits neatly on his haunches, scratching at a tick.
Ya, so votz about that caterpillarlegs gobbling up KFC? Gunther barks.
That Norscot Caterpillar 320D Hydraulic Excavator? Duncan burps wind from both ends wot about it?
“enough,ya“ fräuleinmate scritches, pulling Gunthar away from the wall “Iwantmyorganiclunch“
Useless pack of German muttwits Gunther turns away all hot and bothered, conveniently forgetting that he’s also German.
▪
Clouds are nows rubbing together with that dry leathery sound coz the rainlick is all used up. Everywhere is sodden and everything snifzs a clean green in Treacle’s snout holes. He sits on his haunches, eyeballing the caterpillarlegs.
“nowlookhereTreacle,it‘steatime“
I know, boss
“and,Ineedmytinkle“
I know, boss
‘cept that Treacle has a plan for Sixlegs wot don‘t include teatime or tinkles time anytime soon. And Sixlegs ain’t gonna lyk it.
Oi, Treacle, snifz yu – yu old chocolate plodder
Giblets, snifz yu too
They bump snoutz before the Brindle Boxer starts greedily nosing ‘round abouts Treacle’s butt. Treacle is too well trained to get agitated at such in-yor-butt familiarities.
“who’sthat,Treacle?“
Giblets, boss
“who’sthat,Treacle?“
That muttwit Giblets, boss
“who’sthat,Treacle?“
Pff
That hindlegs of yors is dumber than scratch Giblets is licking a bit of pavement, before adding a delicate yellow-sniffy squirtz of his own
is it blind, too?
Wot? Yes, I mean no. I mean he is, but – oh, forget it, I need yor help
Six teets? Eightleggers? Count me in
Treacles points his snout at the caterpillarlegs.
Giblets snifz at it critically hmm, that is a big ugly six teets…but I’ve sniffed uglier licking his chops.
▪
Smudge, yu gotta stop that hindlegs leaving KFC GitOrrf! bounces his snout off the KFC window otherwise all’s lost
How?
Maul it, savage it, squirtz on it, do something, mate
Erh?
Yor our only hopes. Think of thems bins ‘round back full of breasts, wings, thighs, nuggets-
..sausage rolls Smudge drools.
That’s Greggs
And spicy McCh–
That’s Mackers
And – and Italian melt on a six inch–
Smudge, stop being a muttwit
And-
“chickenstrip?” Jemmapackmate thrusts another at Smudge.
Lemme just bury this one first
Sure GitOrrf! understands responsible fourlegs behaviour when he snifz it.
Chicken strip gone; Smudge’s tongue is hanging from chops in expectation of another.
Nows then, back to the plan GitOrff! bounces off the window.
Too late, the hindlegs is wiping the nosh off his chops and standing up on his footpaws. Smudge looks up and up at him.
He’s very big, GitOrrf!
Go for its throat, yu can do it
Wot? Throat? Right up there?
Think of thems chickens, matey
Smudge crawls from under the table, ready for combat this is right mental, this is
Honest to dog, GitOrrf! dont hold out much hope of success. More lykly Smudge will end up a real smudge across the KFC window. Best he don’t watch wot happens and go check thems bins ‘round back. Make sure all thems breaded chickens breasts, wings, thighs and nuggets are still un-noshed. Besides, all this window thumping is hungry work and he’ starving.
GitOrrf! trots off. Smudge forgotten.
Right then Smudge steps up to the task.
“helikeshischicken,don’the?”
Smudges shakes his earflaps happily.
“finishmine,littlefella,I’mbacktowork”
And Smudge opens his chops wide enough for a whole KFC family bucket.
▪
Complete muttwits, all of zems Gunther curses the Thames Valley PDs as fräuleinmate hauls him off to Human Beans, her favorite organic coffee shop the other end of West Pid High Street.
He must do some heavy thinking to try and save KFC – completly forgetting that he don’t believe KFC‘s gonna get noshed in the first place. Wotever, that’s fourlegs for yuz! Nows up to him to save KFC. Obvs!
“sevilleorgange,amarettoflavour,latte,medium,takeout,please“ fräuleinmate is scritching away in Human Beans, her favorite organic café.
Gotta get trotting Gunthar is fretting.
A diversion is wotz needed.
Ahh, das ist a Mazda CX-5 diesel he barks unenthusiastically – actually hating anything wotz not German – pulling hard at the lead.
“wait,Gunthar“
Oooh! Ford Transit light commercial vehicle, und 2015 Van of the Year slobbering, all four paws digging down and dragging fräuleinmate towards the door.
“crazydoggy,Ineedmycoffee“
Und…und…das ist a Nissan Micra. Mmmm, wunderbar he splutters, throwing himself into the road.
“Ivantmycoffee“
Yu. Vill. Not. Have. It! as they trot-dash-fly down Westley Piddle High Street towards the Norscot Caterpillar 320D Hydraulic Excavator noshing up his beloved KFC.
I‘m coming! he pants, hauling fräuleinmate and her coffee.
▪
Snifz yu, Gunty GitOrrf! bounces ’round the corner from the KFC bins having completed his critical inspection, ketchup dribbling from chops we got thems chickens wraps, we got thems Zinger –
Listen up! Gunther roars ve need more doggies to attack that Norscot Caterpillar 320D Hydraulic Excavator – and ve need thems nows
Erh, wot kinda help?
Fourlegs help, any help
Help! Help! Help! GitOrrf! starts howling, not quite sure wot help is but trotting up and down in panic, ketchup still dribbling.
“nochickens,nochickens“ fräuleinmate is recoiling in horror in front of KFC “wearevegans,Gunther”
Of corss, fräuleinmate, and zems chickens are vegans too, ya!
Help! Help! Help! GitOrrf! continues, mindlessly.
Help! Help! Help!
Treacle shakes his earflaps at all the howling cock an earflap to that Giblets, they need help
Who needs help?
Thems
Thems?
Yes, all of thems
Royt then Giblets puffs out his chest.
”what’salltheyapping,Treacle?“ Sixlegs shakes his frame.
In front of thems all squats the monstrous caterpillarlegs wotz gonna start noshing up KFC.
Help! Help! He –Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud!
Gitorrf!‘s howling is lost under the noise.
”whataboutmytinkle,Treacle?“ Sixlegs scritches.
But Treacle ain’t listening, eyeballs and earflaps are turned towards the caterpillarlegs.
S’pse Smudge is all noshed up Treacle barks, putting the tragic loss away for later and KFC is seconds
Time to act.And act means nows
Only one butt lickin‘ thing for it. Hold tight, Sixlegs
“Treacle!Ineedaahhhh–“
Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud!
As Treacle trundles Sixlegs directly into the path of the caterpillarlegs.
Wot with Smudge all noshed up inside that caterpillarlegs, and wot with Treacle gonna be noshed any squirtz now, only one thing for sensible fourlegs to do. Panic!
Help! Help! Help! GitOrrf! yelps louder.
Velp! Velp! Velp! Gunther adds his bit.
It’s okay folks, leave this six teeter to me Giblets bounces in, sliding to a stop royt th–
Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud.Thud!
▪
Across Westley Piddle, fourlegs are stirring to action –
All kicking off down at KFC‘s
KFC is gonna dogs dinner it
Gentle muttwits completely noshed up
Get stuck in, lads
Save thems spicy chickens!
USUAL MUTTWITS 