“you’relate!” Armitage scritches.
“stickthisnumberonthedoggy” Armitage thrusts a No.11 rosette into her handpaw.
Stonks and Poppet stand at the edge of the showground with loads other fourlegs. Sitting, reclining, licking at essentials, and all hard eyeballing Poppet.
Oi, shaggy teets, brains not beauty wanted, init? Sasha, the cute Shih Tzu, spits.
Shuttit, fluffy butt growls Poppet.
Ooo, stupid animaux Marie-Antoinette, the French Poodle shrills at thems both no beauty, no brains, no intellect-tuels. No clarss!
Stonks pulls out a curry comb, spinning silver from Poppet’s fur “needbrushing,needbrushing”
I’ll bang this Poppet’s beauty dazzles not so hard, izit?
“numberten,numberten” Armitage scritches, making all the fourlegs wince “getyerdoggyhere,NOW”
“isthatyou?” Stonks is checking the rosette number on Poppet’s collar.
Is that me – wot? daft hindlegs with all their daft numbers, wotever thems are.
That’ll be me, sir Gunther, the curly-haired Standard Schnauzer marches onto the showground number ten
Him! Sasha is shaking earflaps in disgust would be that jerry melt, wunnit?
Attention, attention, muttwits all Gunther barks fiercely at his audience now follows ze demonstration of right posture, fine precision and ze German art of canine intellektuelles
He trots precisely to the designated starting point.
I am prepared! he instructs fräuleinmate, his hindlegs companion.
“startingnow“ Armitage scritches“dogswotpoop,willbedisqualified“
He is one big German poop! Sasha barks.
Vatch and learn Gunther barks loudly sad English muttwits, French muttwits, Japanese muttwits…miscreant mutt-
“disqualified!“ Armitage scritches.
Zero intellek– sputters Gunther Ha! On four legs or two I am, by far, ze most intellektuelle. Sir, be advised, I am ver–
Hoots of derision explode from English, French, Japanse an other miscreant muttwits.
Schnell fräuleinmate, let’s spritzen some German roundlegs
Gunther marches from the field of battle, disdainful snout held aloft.
“numberteleven,numberELEVEN” Armitage scritches “bringthedoggy,andnobarking”
“OhPoppet,that’sus” Stonks almost trips over the rope barrier to get at the showring.
Cultureless beetch the French Poodle daintily trills at Poppet.
In less time than it takes a large fourlegs to squirtz three times, end on end, Drizzle has already stuffed his snout with pizza bits, pork rinds, fried noodles, doner kebab, and sticks of chicken satay. He indolently cocks a leg against the corner of the Cornish pasties and starts to –
Put a stopper on that! PD Duncan barks, stepping into view, PC Andersen on a lead beside him.
Snifz yu, big fella Drizzle sez, mid squirtz and stopper wot?
Cocking a leg lyk yu owns the place
Squirtings against the law, officer? Drizzle raises his solid black snout, eyeballing the Thames Valley Police Dobermann.
Yes. Within proximity of hindlegs nosh Duncan eyeballs back, unblinking, snout twitching easily.
Close to, nearby, within range of…
So, whys that then?
Coz fourlegs are not permitted to squirtz in non-designated squirting areas
Hmm Drizzle flashes a big maw of teeth, slowly lowering his cocked leg.
Duncan steps forward to bump snouts thems are the squirting rules of law. Understood streetlegs?
Drizzle wants to fight. He snifz ready for it, expecting the PD to do the same, but the Dobermann stands rock steady, relaxed, disinterested.
Drizzle snorts and backs off.
Thought so Duncan watches him slouch away and disappear into the crowds.
Shaking his head, he forgets Drizzle and eyeballs PC Andersen right then, ‘bout time for some well-earned police lunch, constable?
Rainlick, wotz been dripping on and off all morning nows decides to turn it full on.
Better find some earflaps shelter
Earflaps battened down, Drizzle quickens his pace towards the pooping woods behind the park, his homeden. He stops in mid trot, snout up, sniffing colours of extreme interest: female colours. Lots of ‘ems.
One colour is particularly overpowering. Snout holes twitching – a sporting female on the cusp of ragging it red.
An ugly grey Whippet is eyeballing him from the distance.
Mind yor own dinner he barks in his direction.
Trotting on he soon finds himself amongst a pack of fourlegs. Females all turn and snifz in his direction. Their daft hindlegs companions don’t notice, eyeballing straight ahead at something – wotz the same direction that overpowering colour is sniffing from. He pushes through the pack to snout it out for himself.
Snifz vous some Frenchie whispers at him. Ordinarily that’s enough to get some sporting action going but all he wants now is to follow his snout towards the most exciting colour he’s ever sniffed. Today anyways.
In front of Drizzle, across an empty space, Armitage is scritching nonsense at Stonks. Drizzle begins licking his chops.
And Stonks, in turn, is scritching nonsense at Poppet “turnleft”
..and turning left
..sitting, lying down, and staying
Ha, we’re burying it, Stonks!
Erh, wot – wot?
Nah, easier I come with yu, init, not wait ‘round abouts here?
Nah, I’m coming with yuz. Definitely coming with yu–
“leaveoff,youold-erh,mrArmitage” Stonks is flicking handpaws at Armitage.
Givvus another chance, mate
All of a sudden she don’t care. She ain’t listening, ain’t sniffing, and ain’t being intellectual. Coz Poppet’s life is being turned upside down, inside out.
Onto the show ground trots the most dog-damned solid stud muffin she’s ever sniffed. Trots right up to her without a care in the world and bumps snoutz.
Snifz yu, kitten he nuzzles
S-nifz – snifz yu
Poppet ain’t part of this world no more. She allows this stranger to go do something no other fourlegs is ever allowed to do beforenows. To trot ‘round back and snout her necessaries.
Ooooh-ahhhhh female fourlegs from all ‘round the show area swoon in unison.
Before Stonks can overcome her shock, before Armitage can scritch any more nonsense – Poppet is flying for her life. Following this wonderfully sniffy fourlegs off the show ground. Flying headlong towards the exit of Herdwick pooping park, and beyond.