DONUTS – PART 2

Feeding mat? Symmetrically placed upon floor without wrinkles. Feed bowl? Centered on mat, equidistant to all four edges.  Water bowl?  Brimming with clean water.

Mister Park, the Korean Jindo, lives a quiet and fastidious life together with his companions P.Smith packfather and L.Smith packmother.  The companions, referred to by all as Profit&Loss. Both elderly hindlegs believe in zero toleration of disorder in the houseden.  None. Not never. 

P.Smith ensures that Mister Park’s stainless steel feeding bowls are always scrubbed to mirror perfection every morning when the bright hot ball is thrown into the sky. And again, every evening when the bright hot ball falls back down. Mister Park appreciates his bowls scrubbed perfect. 

Furthermore, L.Smith stalks Mister Park ‘round the houseden with her dustpan and brush, sweeping up every wisp of shed hair or spec of dirt caught between his paws.  Shed hairs and specs of dirt are totally unacceptable in the P&L houseden. Mister Park appreciates his houseden sniffing immaculate.

But…

There is one extraordinary thorn in the whole dog-damn furry butt to all this law and order – being the forth resident of the houseden. Wot goes by the name of Sherbet.

Out of nowhere a huge puke-yellow scratch jumps down to the floor, pads over to Mister Park’s feeding mat, and commences to slurp water from his shiny stainless steel drinking bowl.

Well, this’s – this’s simply outrageous!

To make matters worse, the scratch starts tonguing it along the sides of the shiny stainless steel bowl, licking along the rim and wiping whiskers with puke-yellow claws.  Spots of water are nows all over the place. Needless to say, the shiny stainless steel drinking bowl ain’t so shiny no more.

Look here, Sherbet, this is intolerable behaviour

Mister Park sits neatly away from his mat, upon his powder blue sleeping cushion, patiently waiting for the scratch to move away from his things. Perhaps, any other right proper fourlegs will be tearing out puke-yellow fur hairs by now and laying down the law with some good old fashioned fourlegs slap time.  Not Mister Park.  Simply not. Coz he’s an excruciatingly well-mannered and disciplined fourlegs. Or maybe it’s coz he’s Korean.

Frankly barking – it’s not fair!

Oh…

There’s more. Profit&Loss are quite content to let this puke-yellow monster run roughshod over the houseden.  There’s no shiny-as-mirror cleaning of Sherbet’s feeding bowls. There’s no chasing behind Sherbet’s fat and furry butt with dustpan and brush. Sherbet gets away with dirty murder.

Look here, Sherbet, do step away from my drinking bowl, please

Sherbet stares at Mister Park, licking its claws, disdainful lyk.

Mister Park lifts a paw to step forward.

“misterPark,NO,don’tupsetSherbet!” L.Smith packmother scritches, eyeballing the Jindo in mid-step. “she’sinadelicateway”

Simply cautioning her of the severity of her actions

“stopyappingl” Mister Park’s earflaps are given a warning tug in opposite directions “stop,it!”

Sherbet stares with dark flat eyes, licking its big puke-yellow claw. 

That’s right, go stuff yerself it might scritch if it were intelligent enough to scritch anything.  There’s only one thing for it. The only way to get himself off the sharp end of this stick.  Mister Park rolls on his back and throws all paws into the air for a well-deserved rub.

“myfuzzy,wuzzylittleJindywindy!”

▪

This really ain’t natural, at all Missy Biscuits is also thinking as she drags her Tony through Herdwick pooping park and it’s really starting to butt-lick

Trailing behind her, undercover of those regular squirting bushes, is one nasty-looking black scratch.  Stalking Missy from the first moment she entered the park.

Get ready kitty Missy growls into the bushes slap time coming!

“what’supMissy?” Tony stops, squats down and looks Missy Biscuits in both eyeballs.

Nothing, my love

Now Missy is vexed.  Vexed at the scratch and vexed at being vexed, coz she’s upsetting her Tony in the process.  Her Tony is more precious than anything, wot includes noshing her face.

Tony, be a good’n and unleash me for a mo

“areyouhungrythen,girly?”

No Tony, I wanna kick the scrunt outta some catch

“areyouthirsty?”

No  patient pause Tony I am not patient look please unhook me

“let’sgetyouhome” Tony starts worrying.  Thing is about her Tony, he’s a bit challenged between the earflaps and the slightest thing’ll kick him off.  Lyk the time Missy woz kidnapped from West Pid High Street right in front of him. But that’s another story.

“wemustgethome”

Keep yer lid on, matey she’s gotta do something fast – apart from tear out the scratch’s laughing gear. She plumps down there on the sidewalk and rolls over, paddling all four legs in the air. She knows how to keep Tony on the right side edge of crazy.

“ah,youjustwantatickle,Missy” and Missy snifz all the worry-colour drain from Tony.

We good, Tony, we good and her companion happily obliges.

Meanwhile, head upside down, she stares towards the bushes where the black scratch stares back. It drops down into predatory stance, getting ready to pounce.

Yu saucy little ff –

“ah,whataprettypuss!” exclaims Tony, forgetting all about Missy, wobbling towards the hedge, dragging Missy with him.

Slap time!

Scratch explodes from bushes in a threshing of claws. Bounces off Missy’s butt, swiping precisely at her Tony in midflight, landing nimbly and turning for more.

“ouch!” cries Tony.

Wot the –! Missy scrabbles right way up and launches herself at it. Scratch holds ground, arching and hissing lyk a good’n. Within one bite of mauling distance Missy is jolted backwards by her lead. The scratch ain’t budged its ground. Missy sits on her butt, fuming.

Tony, let go the lead, mate! TONY!

Too late. Her Tony is already reeling her in on the 8m retractable lead. Her Tony is bleeding from his handpaw where the scratch got him.

Frog marched out the park, Missy cranes her neck backwards to keep the scratch on target.

I’ll be back for yu laters, yer nasty monster

The saucy scratch sits for a mo before it resumes stalking Missy and her Tony.

▪

As it happens, two fine minds are trotting through Herdwick pooping park right the same instant and miss all the action.  Surprising really, as both GitOrrf! and Tuffy – One Ear to the intimates, confidently assume all wot happens in Herdwick pooping park is obviously and only their business.  If challenged on the subject, the whole of Westley Piddle is streetlegs business.

Sounds lyk Missy! sez GitOrrf!, a scruffy Border Terrier.

Who? Tuffy turns his one and only ear.

Only the most famous Australian Shepherd in West Pid

Who?

Wot with the snowlick melting all about, nows the time for decent fourlegs to get out and about and refamiliarize old marker posts.  A draining task, wot takes all morning.  And a slow process coz all marker posts first need a small squirtz to establish territories – plus a careful sniffing and extra squirting over each other’s squirtz, second.

Trouble with marker posts is Tuffy cogitates, cocking a leg at a ridiculous angle and holding the pose before he starts losing balance is the number of fours wot don’t squirtz proper

Wot yu on about, One Ear? GitOrrf! is carefully sniffing Tuffy’s fresh squirtz.

Wot I’m on about is he trots onto the next shouldn’t leave a calling card half missing, init?

Wot do yu mean One Ear?

Wot I mean is – stop asking ‘wot I mean’ and stop calling me One Ear – is, is who knows who half these fourlegs bugga’s are! Honestly, it’s scandalous

Wot bugga’s?

Exactly!  Wot bugga’s. Fourlegs can’t go squirting all over and not be arsed to leave enough squirtz to make their names crystal, init?

GitOrrf! thinks Tuffy is spouting nonsense, corss. Who cares.  Wotever fourlegs leaves the last squirtz owns the marker post and that’s fourlegs lore. Also crystal clear. He drops a small squirtz on top of Tuffy’s squirtz.  All this leg cocking is hungry work and GitOrrf! decides the next point of call should be –

Nosh time init, One Ear. Pizza promo at Tesco Extra

First, it’s Tuffy. Second, first dog-damned sensible thing yu’ve barked all day

▪